After moving from ND and accepting that Pennsylvania would be my permanent home, his mom’s house was just a place to lay my head and keep picking up the pieces. There were talks between Jerk and me about finding a place of our own, but in his mind, living rent-free, not having to pay utilities, and being able to do whatever he pleased with his money without any responsibilities seemed perfectly fine. I didn't understand why at the time, but to this day, I still wonder why I stayed with him for six years.

When we met through online dating, he had one addiction, which wasn't legal yet, and that was weed. I respected his choice to smoke it as long as I wasn't in the room because, to this day, I have never touched that crap. He kept telling me, “This will help you to relax with what you're going through.” He also said to me that our income was separate, so I could spend what I wanted while he supported his own habit. Okay, fair enough. We were in that honeymoon stage of dating, and he said, “I want to marry you, but I don't have my birth certificate that they need at the courthouse.” The stupidest thing I ever did was buy my own engagement ring for him to pop the question. Granted, I paid for the gold itself, but the stones were not actual diamonds. He knew where my paychecks were going and that I was paying for my necessities, but occasionally, he asked me to buy him a pack of smokes. How can you be broke after getting your Social Security check just three days earlier? All of it went toward his one addiction. It was upsetting, but soon I would give him the ultimatum.

I quit Giant Eagle during the summer and started working at the college through the federal work-study program. I was a receptionist in the Financial Aid office. My classes ended at 2 p.m., so right afterward, I would take the elevator down to the 10th floor and start working. There wasn't much work to do other than filing documents in folders for the students. After that was done, I would start studying or doing homework. I was done working at 6 p.m., and Jerk would often text me, wondering where I was, even though I had told him numerous times that I was still at school. There was one day when he went with me one morning to see what my college was like, which surprised me and got me excited. As we were walking together downtown, he was holding my hand. I asked him what the special occasion was, and he said, “I just want to make sure you're doing your studies and not doing anything stupid.” Of course, I just laughed it off because I thought he was joking.

We went inside and had to take the elevator. It went all the way up to the 12th floor, and my workplace was on the 10th floor. I pushed one of the buttons to tease him, and we ended up on the 8th floor. When the elevator doors opened, it was nothing but pitch black. I said, “I should remember this floor from now on because anyone can hide in here and have sex without anyone even noticing!” He thought I was serious, but I was joking!!! He said the classes were nice and gave himself a small tour for about 20 minutes. Then I had to get to my classes.

As the weather changed to summer and then to fall, I was getting closer to starting my externship, which was going to last three months. I had to go for interviews at a couple of places that accepted externship students and offered possible employment. Everest College helped students find these opportunities before they graduated. The dental office in Fox Chapel/Blawnox was my first choice because it was so close to his mom's house, but the management was a stickler, so I picked another doctor's office that accepted me. The new job (potentially) involved filing papers and working at the front desk, greeting patients when needed.

While I was at the doctor's office, I received a text from my brother telling me, “Call me, it's important!” My brother and I have a weird brother-and-sister relationship. We never really call each other, maybe now and then, just to check up on one another and see if we're still alive. I went back to his mom's house and called him. Katie (my sister-in-law) answered, and we said hi and asked how each other was doing. There was silence at the end of the line, and I asked her if everything was okay. She said, “It's your dad, and he's at the hospital. It doesn't look good, and we need you to come home.”

I was feeling numb and couldn't say anything other than, “Let me see what I can do, and I'll call you ASAP.” Memories were flooding back of when I was young and how I hadn't spent enough time with him, as much as I should have. My parents got divorced when I was barely a year old. On weekends, he would come to get my brother and me so we could spend time with him. I was bored at his apartment, where my brother and he would be in the garage fixing his car, but I never really went out there to join them. I was sad because I kept thinking about my mom and how alone she was. Until I was old enough, I stopped seeing my dad and spent my weekends with her. After I graduated college, I never called him or saw him. But now, after finding out he wasn't doing too well and was close to dying, I was 16 hours away. Jerk secretly had the funds but wouldn't let me get a bus ticket, and my mom didn't want to help either. I was mad, and every way I tried to get the funds, it wasn't enough. I had just barely started my externship, so I had to stay behind.

I was dreading calling them back to give them the upsetting news that I wouldn't make it to my dad's funeral to pay my respects and see my dad's side of the family, whom I hadn't seen in so long.
I called them later in the evening to give them the bad news that I couldn't come up to say goodbye to Dad because of finances and school. Katie understood, but my brother was mad. Jerk kept checking up on me to see how I was doing, but I gave him the silent treatment, which lasted five days. He kept being persistent about opening up and communicating, but I kept walking away.

I called my mom to see how well the funeral went. She said, “It was very nice, and your dad's side of the family showed up, and they were asking about you.” I had never felt so guilty about missing my dad's funeral, and I tried to hold back my tears while my mom kept talking. She understood why I couldn't come and hoped I could focus on my studies. I told her I was sorry and that I would talk to her soon. After I got off the phone, Jerk was standing by the doorway as if he had been hearing every word I was saying to my mom. He sat down right next to me and said, “I have a slight confession. I did have the funds, but I didn't want to give them to you because I was afraid that you would never come back to Pittsburgh.”

I was pissed!! I said, “How dare you! And yet, you couldn't trust me after all this time? I would be coming back because of my externship, which I need to finish for school. If you can't trust me, why continue this relationship? My family is very important to me, and for something like this, I have every right to be up there. If you ever treat me this way again, I will leave you without saying goodbye!” He apologized to me right away, and at that point, I wasn't surprised that our relationship was being jeopardized for another year. As they say in baseball, three strikes and you're out. So far, he's now on strike one. Life is messy, and closure rarely comes wrapped in a neat bow. Missing his funeral is a heavy weight, but it is also a reminder that love and grief are defined by a lifetime, not a single afternoon.