It was getting close to my six-month mark since I made the big move, and the homesickness and missing my kids were still fresh. After three months in college, despite the amount of depression I was under, I made the Dean’s List, achieved Perfect Attendance, and made the President’s List. I was in shock at the amount of learning that was thrown at me and how scattered my emotions were. I was surpassing everyone in my class! I told my mom, and she couldn’t have been more proud. She told me to “keep it up.” I was trying not to ask her how my kids were doing since it triggered an emotional response from her. My job at Giant Eagles was going okay, but since my hours had been cut due to my education, I was averaging $60–$150 a week because we got paid weekly.

Jerk took me to some places around Sharpsburg, and since I didn't have a car, walking was the only option. My shoes had to be replaced a couple of times (I had to buy them at Walmart, which was all I could afford at the time). He introduced me to a church that he told me he attended every now and then. Pastor Russ, whom he recalled, was very nice, and it wouldn't take much to become a member. I sometimes wonder if he was really a Christian or just putting on a show. I always say, “Don't bullshit a bullshitter!!” It was Sharpsburg Worship Center, a nondenominational church. I was trying to find a Lutheran church to rebuild my faith. I guess wherever there is a cross and people talk about God, then it is what it is. When I wanted to go by myself, not only would Jerk come with me, but his mom would as well. I wondered if this was a pattern because they couldn't trust me enough to let me go alone.

Spring was upon us (especially Easter), and stores in Pennsylvania were still considered open for business. Up in North Dakota, they actually close for the day and spend time with their families. It's one of the states where agriculture is a main source of income, but for certain holidays, businesses close so people can be with their families. With my family, we always have a nice dinner that includes extended family. I took the initiative to pass on the tradition to Jerk's family. They appreciated the food and the meaning behind it. I wasn't going to preach, so I just kept it to myself.

I received a text from the landlord asking me if I would be returning anytime soon or moving out. Even though I was sending rent money, it came down to a “now or never” situation. Was I going to become a permanent resident? Knowing myself, deep down in my heart, I knew I would go back. But, on the other hand, I had already invested in my job, college, and my relationship with Jerk. Would my depression or my relationship with my mom get better? Would things get better in Pennsylvania? I'm the type of person who goes against all odds. I know God has my back on this.

With the tax refund I received, I was going to use it for the trip up to North Dakota: gas, food, and whatever else was needed. I was a bit short on the cost of renting a Penske truck. Since I was the only one with a license, I had to drive that big truck. I got ahold of my grandma Matehs to ask if she could loan me some money to help me out. I felt guilty asking because it was a priority that needed to be taken care of. Jerk told me that he would cover the Greyhound since it was a one-way trip, but, lo and behold, his mom wanted to come along. I had nothing against her, but it seemed she wanted to be included in everything we did. Those two argued until he finally gave in and said, “Fine!”

My grandma Matehs approved my request, and I was very grateful! I'm glad she helped me, BUT the next day, word got out that she had told my mom about it. My mom got pissed because she was worried that the income my grandma had coming in would leave her short on her daily living expenses. I had enough reasons to help and explain my situation. Jerk kept telling me, “I'm glad that I'm in your family that is loaded and has land.” That raised a red flag, but I was going to put it aside and use that against him if he said anything else about getting money from them or me! With the tickets purchased and the truck rental set, we were on our way back to North Dakota.

As we were back on the road, I wasn't happy about closing the chapter in my home state, but at some point, I had to accept it and try to move on. Three days later, we entered Grand Forks, North Dakota, and took a cab to the Penske rental location to get the truck. After I signed the papers and paid, we made our way outside. The look on their faces when they saw the 12-foot truck was somewhere between “Are you sure you can drive this?” and “I'm not sure.” To put them at ease, I said, “I spent my summers at my grandparents' ranch, and they taught me to drive trucks around the farm and fields, so it's going to be okay.”

His mom kept asking me, “Would you let him drive!?” I looked at her like she was joking and told her, “Do you think I look like some kind of idiot to let him drive with no license?! The state troopers will get me because I'm the primary driver, and I'll have to pay a hefty fine. We're losing daylight, so let's get going!!”

The amount of stuff I had in the house would probably take a week to clear out. We got to Langdon, North Dakota, and as I was putting the truck in the driveway, I felt so uneasy. I didn't want to go through the stuff, especially my kids' room. From the four bedrooms and two bathrooms, we cleared out as much as we could. We left behind the furniture because who knew how long we would be living at his mom's house before getting our own place?

We left at 5 a.m., hoping it wouldn't take us more than 72 hours on the road. I stopped by my mom's job in Fargo, where she finally met Jerk and his mom. She gave me a look that said, “You could do better and find a better man.” We talked for a few minutes, and she gave me a big hug. It was the hug I had been waiting for, the one I needed on the day my kids were taken away. I didn't want to let go. She told me to text her when we made it safely back to Sharpsburg.

Going through Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, and Indianapolis, Indiana, was just crazy, and I wouldn't do it again. We argued in the truck a lot because his mom kept saying, “Let him drive, let him drive,” to the point that I finally said, “Oh my God, fine!” As I sat in the passenger seat, I didn't sleep once because I kept watching the gauge to make sure he was going 70 and not swerving, while they kept nagging me to go to sleep. I took over driving again until we got to Pennsylvania.

When we made it back safely, I was so overtired that I was shaking after I lay down. Then I got back to my job and studies.

Leaving the familiar, wide-open spaces of North Dakota was the hardest part, but finding my footing in Pennsylvania is where my next chapter truly begins.