When I jumped back into school, especially at Everest College in Pittsburgh, PA, I was ready to learn and start on a path that would lead to a career following in my mom’s footsteps in the medical field. Not only did I have to wear scrubs at school, but the books they mailed me were a lot to handle, especially since the program would last 13 months. The biggest books were my ICD-10, HCPCS, CPT, and anatomy books, which were hard to carry, especially when walking downtown. The college was eight blocks from the main bus stop. Since Jerk didn’t show me around, I had the opportunity to see the sights and, most of all, experience the traffic just to get into the heart of the city! Before I started my classes, I enrolled in state benefits (MA and food stamps) to help me get by. I also saw a doctor to help me with my depression and prescribe medication. I was hoping it would work.

My classes started at 8 a.m., so you could just imagine how difficult it was to walk downtown Pittsburgh to college. I had my Packers jacket on, and the stares I got, especially from Steelers fans, were something else. They just glared at me like, “How dare you!!” A jerk told me, “You will get shot if you wear that jacket downtown!” I was taking my chances. I didn’t care that they had won six Super Bowl rings (at the time). I just wanted to show my support for the team I loved (when Rodgers was still with them, up until 2023).

The first couple of weeks of classes were a blur, and I needed a bottle of Advil because of the number of terminology words (100) I needed to learn. I thought about Mom and how she breezed through all of that! After the holidays, we slowly started talking more often. The more we talked, the more I realized how much I was missing my kids. When I heard her voice over the phone, my emotions got the best of me, and my depression kicked in. She would say, “What do you want?” I would respond with tears in my eyes, telling her, “I just want to call and see how you’re doing.” She knew me too well, and her attitude was demeaning. She would say to me, “I’m busy, bye,” and hang up. I would look down at my phone and whisper, “I just want to tell you I miss you and love you,” with tears in my eyes.

I was on the bus heading back to Sharpsburg after classes. While we were on the bridge, I saw the Allegheny River and Point Park. I was picturing myself sitting on the edge by the water, where I wanted to jump because of the amount of pain I was experiencing from how I was being treated and from missing my kids so much. The pain was unbearable.

When I got back to his mom’s house, he knew there was something wrong. He wanted to comfort me, but I wanted to be alone. He ordered pizza or made dinner, but I was not in the mood to eat. The kids got moved to another set of families, and they included all three of them. I also found out through the CYS that the adoptive parents had closed the case, which meant I couldn’t go up there to visit or call them. I could only send letters, but I had to go through my mom. I did ask her if she could but it was either “We will see” or “You gave them life, let them live.” My parents had the golden key to see them whenever they wanted. I so wished I could be in 2 places at once.

Living at his mom's house was never a dull moment. It was a lot of arguing to the point of yelling. His mom yelled at her own mom and his nieces will come over a lot that she helped her daughter to watch her kids while she worked. When it came to grocery shopping, I literally had to hide my stuff cause with 5 other people in the house, if you had something in the fridge and you're saving it til later, it would be gone. Jerk wanted me to contribute my food stamps to her to help. When it came to cooking supper, they would have eggs or a lot of take-out cause not only they didn't know much how to cook but his mom and his grandma don't know how to read but sure as hell know how to count money!! but when I cook, I got a lot of praise on how good it tasted! His mom will beg me to make dinner but as tired as I was with school and working, it was something to get my mind off my kids and my mom. If you had a bag of cookies or chips and they ask for one, I just gave it up because I know I will never see the bag again. It was very disappointing. My paychecks were enough to get some necessities that I needed but saving up was impossible. Another good thing I got while I was taking the bus to school was bus pass that was good for a month and lasted me all year than spending $40 a month.
Nothing but work and school that kept me going while I was questioning myself if I did the right thing to start over again.